Praying

So I have always struggled with prayer. I don't know why, but it seems like it's just one of those things that trips me up. I think about God a lot, but praying only lasts a few minutes and then I get distracted and don't even realize that I'm onto something else and haven't finished speaking to my Savior. I'm embarrassed to admit all of that, but that's the truth. And I've tried all sorts of different things to help: praying aloud, praying ACTS, praying while I drive and the radio is off...but I still struggle. So I've been looking at praying in the Bible and well, I'm still in the Old Testament, but I've been seeing some really cool patterns. For instance, Abraham and Jacob (or is it Isaac...I think it's Jacob) both pray with little "reminders" of what God has already said. So I thought that was an awesome way to pray, something that would get me more actively involved and keep my eyes on Him more, so I started looking up verses for different situations that I pray about. I began in Romans and oh my goodness...spent so long in that book just getting so excited over what it had to say! I wrote down so many encouraging verses to pray through and for my friends. God's word is just full of so many important things and I just love being able to read through it! I feel so blessed to be studying it for the next year and a half. There's nothing better. :)

Fourth of July and Circumstances

Today is the Fourth of July. If you know me very well at all, you know I am not extremely patriotic. I think that's the perfectionist in me that sees all of our faults and isn't satisfied. But the older I get, the more I am becoming okay with all of these flaws, knowing that nothing is ever perfect here on earth, but we have hope of the perfection that will come someday. :) America isn't perfect. But here I have many freedoms that other people can only dream of. Here the only fear of sharing my faith stems from being made fun of, but not of losing my life. I am blessed to have grown up here and am thankful for those freedoms that I enjoy.

In other news, Red, White, and Boom was last night. For those of you who do not live in Ohio, it's this HUGE fireworks presentation in downtown Columbus where there's fair food and carnival games and just a lot of fun all day long and then this 30 minute firework show coordinated with music. And in all of my years living here I have never been. So, I went, and let me tell you, I had a fabulous time. The fireworks were like, right over our heads it seemed...we were so close! And we were right next to one of the radio stations so we had good music and a good view the entire time! And I spent it with such good friends! It was amazing.

This summer is not turning out anything like I anticipated. Some things have been harder than I thought, but a lot of it has just been so different than what I expected. I've gotten to know some really awesome people, mended some friendships, worked a LOT, and just learned a lot. I've been working on this timeline of the Bible and I feel like I only get to a few chapters at a time because I feel like there's so much detail that I can't just write "Noah's Ark," but I have to describe the entire event and what the sign was and what the covenant was and how long they were in the ark and all about the altar Noah set up after the ark....and basically I'm just recreating my notes from school only I'm writing them. Sometimes I wish that I could be a bit less particular...especially when it is taking me so long that I get frustrated with my minimal progress and then it discourages me. But I guess I'm learning perseverance. My goal was to get all the way to where I'll be starting up again in the fall (I believe that means all the way through the Old Testament), but I'm slowly beginning to see that was a lofty goal and I shouldn't expect so much of myself. Perhaps I'll just get through Exodus. Seriously...I think that might be as far as I can get.

I've also been seeing and learning that it doesn't matter where you are...if you're in a place where all you hear is "God this" and "God that" or if you're in a place where no one mentions God...it doesn't matter...it's all up to YOU. I mean, I know that...and I've known that, but I think it's been good for me to see that my relationship with God didn't magically get "better" because I went away to Bible school and I have a better understanding of Him. It doesn't get "easier" because you're surrounded by talk of Him; it really is a daily choice, moment-by-moment, step-by-step. And it's not that I didn't realize this until now, but I see it a lot clearer and it's just really encouraging to me. A relationship with God isn't about following prescribed steps. Experiencing the truth of that statement has been so awesome...even when I fail. I don't fail because I'm not surrounded by God or because there's no one to bring up how I'm doing in my walk; I fail because my eyes aren't focused on Him. Period. That's it. It doesn't matter where I am or what I'm doing, my eyes have to be set on His and if they aren't, I will fail because I will act on my own strength instead of trusting in His. I'm not sure if this makes sense to anyone else, but I've really enjoyed learning this. :)

Struggling

I don't know about you, but I am far from perfect. It seems that I am reminded of that everyday by the things I dwell on, by my consistent desire to try to change myself and others, by my restlessness revealed by the few, quiet times of rest in Him. I have a problem. It's called sin. And the thing is, there's nothing I can do about it. It's a part of me, but it's not a part of Him in me. It can be easy for me to get down on myself for the mistakes that I make, to want to change myself and to want to show others what He has shown me. God has been teaching me to bite my tongue and to only speak as He leads...which is hard for me at times...most times. Only God knows His perfect timing and the vessels He wants to use. I so often just jump at wanting to tell people things because they should know (according to my thinking) instead of just asking Him about it and using my words only as He leads. He has placed me in quite a few situations at home where I feel alone and hurt and frustrated and tired. But it's not about how I feel; it's about what I know to be true. And the truths of Him and His love for me revealed in His Word overpower however I am "feeling" at the moment because feelings come and go, but His Word remains forever. I want to be able to look at certain people with the eyes of Christ, but I am not. And I never will on my own strength. That's frustrating at times, but also so relieving. It's only frustrating because it's not my first instinct. I want to trust in myself, I want to do it all on my own, I want to even wallow in hurt and frustration sometimes because I feel so alone here. But He's calling me out of it. He's calling me to trust in Him, to look at Him, to behold Him, to rest in Him. It's so against our nature, so against my nature. And I fail time and time again. And He shows me my failures time and time again, gently, lovingly. In the stillness of it all, He speaks. And for His love and pursuit of my heart I am eternally grateful.

Worship

I have really enjoyed getting to know God better the past few days, having a RELATIONSHIP with Him, talking with Him, discussing my thoughts and my feelings with Him, just being with Him. I've been going through Genesis a second time and I've really been encouraged just to see the character of God develop, to see His heart for us. Oh man, God loves us so much. He loves us more than we can ever imagine or think of. It's amazing to me.

I know that this is probably ridiculous, but I've really been missing the worship at New Tribes. The words of songs are so powerful to me and sometimes I would just stand there and think about the words instead of singing, just really letting them sink in. I've been listening to some songs on YouTube that I learned at New Tribes. I've been listening to a lot of them. I will give you the names of them at the end of this post just in case you feel like looking some up. I promise they're good! :)

I've decided that I'm a very visual person. Seeing people's faces who I know have no access to the Gospel moves my heart. It's not like it moves me to want to save them or anything cuz I have no power to do that, but I guess it just fuels my fire. God has a heart for these people living in darkness. He wants to reach them with His message. Where does He want me to fit into that picture? I won't go for their sake; I will follow Him because of HIM, for the sake of following my master. We don't often call Him that...I think because we don't really like to relinquish control. Okay, so I don't. But He is our Master. I think I need to consistently remind myself of that truth. Who rules over my life? Who should be the Master?

Sometimes when I look at life, I think of a classroom where I'm the teacher. See if this makes sense to you. As I encounter a situation and ask the class, there's the kid in the front who is jumping up and down raising his hand, distracting me, sometimes obstructing my view if I let him. That's the world and their ideas of how to handle things. Sometimes it's myself. But then there's God, diligently holding up His hand and waiting for me to pick Him, to see past the world and their views, even though they are typically much more in my face, and to listen to Him and His advice. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else, but I thought I'd share.

Mighty To Save- Hillsong
From the Inside Out- Hillsong
The Stand- Hillsong
Mission's Flame- Matt Redman
You Never Let Go- Matt Redman
In Me- Casting Crowns
God of the City- Chris Tomlin

A little of this, a little of that

I've decided that I need to learn to post pictures. And take them. I'm terrible at that but I know I'll regret it later on in life.

I spent the last four days watching three of the best children ever. We had fun doing the following:
1)Making an enormous tent that covered an entire living room and then having a movie night/sleepover in it
2)Making homeade french fries...what's better than that!?!?!
3)Baking our very own pizza that looked pretty awesome even if all the pepperoni juice slid onto my pineapple
4)Going to see UP...good movie
5)Going to a candy store...that's always fun
6)Having water games 2009...there will be a water games 2010 to follow. It was a success.

I have to say that I loved watching them and playing mom. I'm looking forward to a family of my own someday...but thankful for the present stage in my life. :)

With two summer jobs (one full-time and one part-time), I will be very busy this summer!! But I know that I am working toward a school that is teaching me more about the God that I serve, and that makes it completely worth it!!

I've been learning a lot lately. God is teaching me dependence in MANY ways this summer. Oddly enough, I think God is going to be teaching me how to not act on my emotions as well...and by that I mean He has already started. May God continue to mold me into His image; I am far from it.

Humbled

It seems like the only thing that has happened since I arrived home is that God keeps humbling me. There's a part of me that wants to say, "Could you stop?! I know I'm crappy. I know I am a failure. I know I need you!" But then there's a bigger part of me that's so thankful for it. It's good to be constantly reminded of how much I need Him. It's good so that my pride doesn't get in the way. It's good so that I keep my focus. It hurts to consistently fall flat on my face, but I'm thankful for it.

It's funny because I used to think I was pretty good. I was a pretty good Christian who had the right heart and did pretty good things. WHOA. Hold up. WHAT?! My view on things was totally whacked up. I've been a pretty selfish Christian for a long time trying to do things in my own strength while thinking about God and what I should be doing for Him. I know I've talked about this a lot, but I think it's good for me to remind myself. That's still in me. It didn't leave. My view on things has changed and God is definitely working in my life, but underneath it all I still have those tendencies. And I need to bring myself back to that and continue to pray that my strength will be rooted in Him and not myself.

I've been incredibly blessed. And I mean incredibly. I'm excited to see what God continues to do this summer. I am hopefully going to be able to meet with a couple of girls so we can share what God is doing in our lives and encourage each other. At this point I have two jobs...God is GOOD and full of grace because I don't deserve any of this. I'm learning to love Him more and more. :)

Random Tidbits

I went and shadowed one of the workers for my other new part-time job. I have to say, I am kind of excited. And overwhelmed. I will be working with a 13 year old autistic girl this summer. Her family is great and she seems to be a very content kid. She is super active...into everything imaginable. I definitely will be getting my exercise! And learning. This is out of the ordinary for me and I'm not always going to know what to do. There's a part of me that's completely freaked out about that...I am good with plans and knowing exactly what I need to do...normally I won't do it unless I know that I won't fail. So that part scares me a bit. But I know that it will be so good. I know that God is going to use this to stretch me and to grow me. What an amazing God we serve that He would lay such opportunities at my feet.

Two challenging jobs for three months. :)

I finished unpacking earlier this week and have been organizing all of my notes and school materials. I even started an outline! This, I have realized, will take me all summer. My goal is to have a detailed outline up to where we are right now. I suppose at the end of every semester (unless I am able to do it during school) I will be able to update it and by the end of my two years, I will have a detailed outline of all Biblical events. That is the goal. We'll see how it goes. :)

Have you ever really sat and thought about how much we really have in Christ? I think it would be a good ritual every morning...to remind ourselves of what we have in Him and remind ourselves of His goodness. I realize that perhaps that is a tad impractical to think every morning it would be a possibility, but I still think it would be awesome. Let me dream. :) I'm just saying that if we started things out reminding ourselves of who we are in Him and what we have in Him, I have a feeling it would change our outlook on the day...and perhaps influence our decisions during the day. It's normally at the end of my day when I do most of my thinking...and when I seem to acknowledge God the most. It's not that I don't pray to Him during the day or think about Him, it's just that I seem to be more keenly aware of Him at the end of my day...as I look back and see all the times I should have gone to Him in dependence and then...oh wait, I just didn't even think about it. Ever have those days? I can't wait for the day when Christ brings me to completion. :)