Summer Contemplation

If you know practically anything about me, then you know I do a lot of thinking. Most of the time it's a lot of reflecting or mulling over an issue that I've been mulling over for weeks/months. Regardless of how concrete my thoughts are, I will indefinitely present them like I'm dead set in my beliefs. I haven't quite figured out why...maybe because I feel like I need someone to combat me and have a deep discussion with me, to say, "hey, you aren't seeing this" or "But you're completely leaving out the fact that..." Half the time I don't actually think I'm right for sure, I just have to come at a situation with a point of view first and then let the facts I didn't see before sculpt it. I don't know if that makes sense, but it's something I've noticed.

I've been thinking...no, reflecting a lot about who I am and where I have come from. Maybe because this summer has forced me to face some "ghosts" from my past. Maybe because I've learned more about myself in this past year than ever before. Maybe because it's just God's way of getting my attention and saying "Look at me and let me take care of the rest." Whatever the reason, I'm so thankful. Here's what I've learned:

1. I think I can fix things when I can't. That's why I manage decent grades...I'm comfortable with answers. If there's one right answer, you can always find it if you study hard enough. Life isn't like that. There's not always one answer and that used to frustrate me. What am I saying...it still does sometimes. But that's the great thing about not being in this life alone...the One who has ALL the answers is by my side to make them for me. Now if only I chose to go to Him more often to let Him decide.

2. A year ago my whole world as I knew it came crashing down. I picked up the pieces and went straight to God. I didn't understand at the time that He didn't want me to come to me AFTER picking up the pieces, but HE wanted to pick up the pieces. He didn't want me to be strong enough that I could pull myself together, but He wanted me to just look at Him.

3. I don't know much. I know that I will continue to learn for the rest of my life. Everytime it seems I forget that, there's some reminder....more often than not it's a not so gentle reminder of how human I am. I wouldn't want it any other way.

4. I feel like a completely different person than I was a year ago. I've learned a lot. I've learned that I can't change anyone, not even myself. I've learned that I want to be head over heels in love with someone. I've learned that the hardest person to please has always been myself and I need to cut myself and others a break. I've learned that being me makes me smile and laugh a lot. I've learned that I can't do a single thing for God. I've learned that throwing up my hands in defeat is not shameful. I've learned that I don't do that as often as I should, but I'm learning.

I'm learning. I keep saying that, but it's so true.

Praying

So I have always struggled with prayer. I don't know why, but it seems like it's just one of those things that trips me up. I think about God a lot, but praying only lasts a few minutes and then I get distracted and don't even realize that I'm onto something else and haven't finished speaking to my Savior. I'm embarrassed to admit all of that, but that's the truth. And I've tried all sorts of different things to help: praying aloud, praying ACTS, praying while I drive and the radio is off...but I still struggle. So I've been looking at praying in the Bible and well, I'm still in the Old Testament, but I've been seeing some really cool patterns. For instance, Abraham and Jacob (or is it Isaac...I think it's Jacob) both pray with little "reminders" of what God has already said. So I thought that was an awesome way to pray, something that would get me more actively involved and keep my eyes on Him more, so I started looking up verses for different situations that I pray about. I began in Romans and oh my goodness...spent so long in that book just getting so excited over what it had to say! I wrote down so many encouraging verses to pray through and for my friends. God's word is just full of so many important things and I just love being able to read through it! I feel so blessed to be studying it for the next year and a half. There's nothing better. :)

Fourth of July and Circumstances

Today is the Fourth of July. If you know me very well at all, you know I am not extremely patriotic. I think that's the perfectionist in me that sees all of our faults and isn't satisfied. But the older I get, the more I am becoming okay with all of these flaws, knowing that nothing is ever perfect here on earth, but we have hope of the perfection that will come someday. :) America isn't perfect. But here I have many freedoms that other people can only dream of. Here the only fear of sharing my faith stems from being made fun of, but not of losing my life. I am blessed to have grown up here and am thankful for those freedoms that I enjoy.

In other news, Red, White, and Boom was last night. For those of you who do not live in Ohio, it's this HUGE fireworks presentation in downtown Columbus where there's fair food and carnival games and just a lot of fun all day long and then this 30 minute firework show coordinated with music. And in all of my years living here I have never been. So, I went, and let me tell you, I had a fabulous time. The fireworks were like, right over our heads it seemed...we were so close! And we were right next to one of the radio stations so we had good music and a good view the entire time! And I spent it with such good friends! It was amazing.

This summer is not turning out anything like I anticipated. Some things have been harder than I thought, but a lot of it has just been so different than what I expected. I've gotten to know some really awesome people, mended some friendships, worked a LOT, and just learned a lot. I've been working on this timeline of the Bible and I feel like I only get to a few chapters at a time because I feel like there's so much detail that I can't just write "Noah's Ark," but I have to describe the entire event and what the sign was and what the covenant was and how long they were in the ark and all about the altar Noah set up after the ark....and basically I'm just recreating my notes from school only I'm writing them. Sometimes I wish that I could be a bit less particular...especially when it is taking me so long that I get frustrated with my minimal progress and then it discourages me. But I guess I'm learning perseverance. My goal was to get all the way to where I'll be starting up again in the fall (I believe that means all the way through the Old Testament), but I'm slowly beginning to see that was a lofty goal and I shouldn't expect so much of myself. Perhaps I'll just get through Exodus. Seriously...I think that might be as far as I can get.

I've also been seeing and learning that it doesn't matter where you are...if you're in a place where all you hear is "God this" and "God that" or if you're in a place where no one mentions God...it doesn't matter...it's all up to YOU. I mean, I know that...and I've known that, but I think it's been good for me to see that my relationship with God didn't magically get "better" because I went away to Bible school and I have a better understanding of Him. It doesn't get "easier" because you're surrounded by talk of Him; it really is a daily choice, moment-by-moment, step-by-step. And it's not that I didn't realize this until now, but I see it a lot clearer and it's just really encouraging to me. A relationship with God isn't about following prescribed steps. Experiencing the truth of that statement has been so awesome...even when I fail. I don't fail because I'm not surrounded by God or because there's no one to bring up how I'm doing in my walk; I fail because my eyes aren't focused on Him. Period. That's it. It doesn't matter where I am or what I'm doing, my eyes have to be set on His and if they aren't, I will fail because I will act on my own strength instead of trusting in His. I'm not sure if this makes sense to anyone else, but I've really enjoyed learning this. :)