Humbled

It seems like the only thing that has happened since I arrived home is that God keeps humbling me. There's a part of me that wants to say, "Could you stop?! I know I'm crappy. I know I am a failure. I know I need you!" But then there's a bigger part of me that's so thankful for it. It's good to be constantly reminded of how much I need Him. It's good so that my pride doesn't get in the way. It's good so that I keep my focus. It hurts to consistently fall flat on my face, but I'm thankful for it.

It's funny because I used to think I was pretty good. I was a pretty good Christian who had the right heart and did pretty good things. WHOA. Hold up. WHAT?! My view on things was totally whacked up. I've been a pretty selfish Christian for a long time trying to do things in my own strength while thinking about God and what I should be doing for Him. I know I've talked about this a lot, but I think it's good for me to remind myself. That's still in me. It didn't leave. My view on things has changed and God is definitely working in my life, but underneath it all I still have those tendencies. And I need to bring myself back to that and continue to pray that my strength will be rooted in Him and not myself.

I've been incredibly blessed. And I mean incredibly. I'm excited to see what God continues to do this summer. I am hopefully going to be able to meet with a couple of girls so we can share what God is doing in our lives and encourage each other. At this point I have two jobs...God is GOOD and full of grace because I don't deserve any of this. I'm learning to love Him more and more. :)

Random Tidbits

I went and shadowed one of the workers for my other new part-time job. I have to say, I am kind of excited. And overwhelmed. I will be working with a 13 year old autistic girl this summer. Her family is great and she seems to be a very content kid. She is super active...into everything imaginable. I definitely will be getting my exercise! And learning. This is out of the ordinary for me and I'm not always going to know what to do. There's a part of me that's completely freaked out about that...I am good with plans and knowing exactly what I need to do...normally I won't do it unless I know that I won't fail. So that part scares me a bit. But I know that it will be so good. I know that God is going to use this to stretch me and to grow me. What an amazing God we serve that He would lay such opportunities at my feet.

Two challenging jobs for three months. :)

I finished unpacking earlier this week and have been organizing all of my notes and school materials. I even started an outline! This, I have realized, will take me all summer. My goal is to have a detailed outline up to where we are right now. I suppose at the end of every semester (unless I am able to do it during school) I will be able to update it and by the end of my two years, I will have a detailed outline of all Biblical events. That is the goal. We'll see how it goes. :)

Have you ever really sat and thought about how much we really have in Christ? I think it would be a good ritual every morning...to remind ourselves of what we have in Him and remind ourselves of His goodness. I realize that perhaps that is a tad impractical to think every morning it would be a possibility, but I still think it would be awesome. Let me dream. :) I'm just saying that if we started things out reminding ourselves of who we are in Him and what we have in Him, I have a feeling it would change our outlook on the day...and perhaps influence our decisions during the day. It's normally at the end of my day when I do most of my thinking...and when I seem to acknowledge God the most. It's not that I don't pray to Him during the day or think about Him, it's just that I seem to be more keenly aware of Him at the end of my day...as I look back and see all the times I should have gone to Him in dependence and then...oh wait, I just didn't even think about it. Ever have those days? I can't wait for the day when Christ brings me to completion. :)

Welcome to Reality

I guess I had forgotten what sort of "bubble" I have lived in for so long. And by that I really only mean since at NTBI (New Tribes Bible Institute for those of you who don't know). But at work today, I was shocked to hear some of the things that were coming out of people's mouths. I know that I shouldn't be and that this is good "practice" for the kinds of environments that I will be in, but it was such a culture shock. I sat there for four hours while these kids did nothing but bad-mouth others and make inappropriate sexual comments. And I sat there wondering what my place was in this situation. And honestly, that was pretty much all I did. I sat....the sad thing is that I didn't pray. I have no idea why I didn't...I sit there and think about God but don't actually talk to Him. Sometimes I don't make any sense. But hey, realizing your failures is growth, right?

I'd really appreciate prayer this summer. Please pray for wisdom on how to correctly handle situations and just that God would be glorified in my behavior. Thank you!

Musings

I've been thinking about how much I've learned in the past five months. It's been a lot. Things have been crazy and hard and busy and sometimes I didn't know what to do. But here are a few thoughts.

Words are so powerful. Just look at Proverbs. My goodness. Yet so many times I don't have a tight reign on my tongue. Instead of choosing my words carefully, I let my emotions choose them. This one is dangerous. I was talking to a friend the other day about venting. I've realized that most of the time, it's just an excuse to complain and let someone know how terrible this thing was. First of all, I tend to vent to others before talking to God. Um, bad choice. Second, it really is just complaining, wanting someone to feel bad for you. Talking calmly about problems is different from venting, keep in mind. And this is something God is working on me to correct.

I've also learned a lot about dependence. It's one of those freakishly clique moment by moment things. You hear it and you agree, but it's something totally different to GET it. I'm just now starting to GET it. God wants my whole heart. All of it. He wants me to come to Him. But so many times I don't. So many time I just don't even think about it. How terrible is that? It's my prayer that I would see Him more and more, not just in the big things, but in little, everyday life. I want Him to be so present that I see Him in everything. It's definitely going to be an ongoing prayer.

I've learned not to expect perfection. I am such a perfectionist. But I'm seeing more and more every day how much I fail. I'm far from perfect and that's the way it's supposed to be. That's why we need Jesus. And can I just say that reading your Bible and praying for yourself and for others is not enough! For so long I was so frustrated wondering why something was missing in my walk with God. I loved Him; I wanted to follow Him; I read His Word; I prayed. What was wrong? What was missing?? Dependence. Leaning on Him and talking to Him about it, acknowledging it throughout the day. I was still trusting in me to do things for God. WHOA. Bad idea. That's not what He wants at all! That's been the greatest thing for me to learn. It's not about me and what I do for God, it's about HIM and how He works, whether He chooses to use me or not. It's one thing to say that, but a completely other story to live that out. But I'm learning.

I'm learning, and I'll never be done. Praise God!

Home

I'm home. It's really an odd feeling to be back. I went to the library yesterday to try to pick up some Greek books, but apparently we don't have any. I'm going to have to hunt some down. I also wanted to pick up some good books...anyone know of any?

Before I even pulled into my driveway, God had provided a part-time summer job. :) God is good. Now I just need one more!!

I haven't finished unpacking yet. I keep reminding myself of the lazy sluggard in proverbs and how I don't want to be him. So then I just busy myself with other useful tasks and put off unpacking even more. I'm pretty ridiculous. Oh, but I did break my dresser while I was unpacking. I think that ended up being the final straw.

I wonder what challenges God has in store for me this summer. And I wonder if I'll see them as such when they appear, knowing that every situation is an opportunity to trust Him. I pray that I will.

Packing

It hit me yesterday in chapel that these seniors will not be coming back. And I almost cried. Almost. I didn't actually do it, which I was proud of myself for. I've been working on controlling my emotions and not letting them affect my decisions or my thinking. I am a lot more swayed by emotions than I really like to admit...except that I am admitting it right now to you all. All that to say I am going to miss those seniors.

I started packing today. My room feels so empty. So does my desk and my drawers. It just makes me feel sad. But I'll be back in a few short months!

Can I just say one thing? The thing I am going to miss most when I'm overseas (and while I'm at school) and am probably MOST excited about for when I go home (as silly as this sounds) is "nice" toilet paper. I realize it's ridiculous but it doesn't change that fact. :)

I'm leaving half my possessions here. That feels really odd to me...

Looking Back

It's the end of the year sprint to get everything done before graduation. I'm going to miss this place, but the journey is the destination and I'm excited for what this summer will bring. It's an interesting thing to look back over the past 5 months and see how relationships have changed and how people have changed. It's crazy to see how I have changed!! God is really at work here and I honeslty couldn't be more grateful to all the staff that have made my time meaningful, people who have taken the time to invest in friendships with me and to correct me when I'm wrong. Praise be to God!

On a different note...
I have been memorizing verses all day long. I already completed all of my Proverbs verses and am now working on my OTH (Old Testament History) verse. In the spirit of practice, let me type it for you here. :)

2 Samuel 7:18, 20-24, 28
Then David the king went in and sat before the LORD, and he said, "Who am I, O Lord GOD, and what is my house, that You have brought me this far? Again what more can David say to You? For You know Your servant, O Lord GOD! For the sake of Your word, and according to Your own heart, You have done all this greatness to let Your servant know. For this reason You are great, O Lord GOD; for there is none like You, and there is no God besides You, according to all that we have heard with our ears. And what one nation on the earth is like Your people Israel, whom God went to redeem for Himself as a people and to make a name for Himself, and to do a great thing for You and awesome things for Your land, before Your people whom You have redeemed for Yourself from Egypt, from nations and their gods? For You have established for Yourself Your people Israel as Your own people forever, and You, O LORD, have become their God...Now, O Lord God, You are God, and Your words are truth, and You have promised this good thing to Your servant."

I'm no good at verse memorization...

My heart

This is going to be a really long post. Sorry. If you are on my email list of people who pray for me and receive my updates, you have already gotten this. But I just wanted to share my heart with the rest of you.

While Jesus was on earth, he taught many things. Then He died on a cross and rose. He came back and appeared to many people, but the disciples only included certain stories as they were led by the Spirit to write. In Matthew 28, Jesus tells the women to go tell His disciples to meet Him in Galilee (where many of them got their first call to follow Jesus). Then He meets them on a mountain in Galilee and gives them the Great Commission to go and make disciples of all nations. Mark 16 holds our next account of Jesus’ appearance after the resurrection. We see Mark briefly tell us about his appearance to the women and then to the two men on the Road to Emmaus, and then once again give the Great Commission, this time at a table with the disciples. In Luke 24, Jesus actually explains the Scriptures from Genesis till the resurrection to two men who are walking on the road to Emmaus. This account also records his appearance to His eleven disciples and the two men where He verified Himself to them as truly the Risen Christ and once again He clearly explains the Scriptures concerning Himself and gives the Great Commission. In John 20, we see Christ’s appearance to Mary and His two appearances to the disciples where He verified His identity as the Risen Christ. In John 21, Jesus sees them men fishing as they were when He first called them. He performs a miracle of filling their nets, eats with them, and then he has a conversation with Peter. Peter had previously denied Christ three times, so Jesus has Peter affirm his love three times and then tells him to care for his sheep. He reminds the disciples to follow Him. Lastly, in Acts we see one final account. This is where the disciples ask about restoring Israel and Jesus replies with the Great Commission.

I think the stories after the resurrection paint a picture for us. Jesus gave the Great Commission a few different times, not just one time recorded in four different places, it was actually on a few separate occasions. He also grounded the disciples and two other followers in correct teaching concerning the Scriptures, since they would be His mouthpieces to bring His truth to all people. Lastly, He encouraged the disciples the way that they needed in order to go and be faithful witnesses of the cross. He let Thomas touch His wounds, and He affirmed Peter and commanded Him to feed His sheep, showing His love for His people. This was all God felt was important to share with us about what went on after the resurrection. I think it is a beautiful picture of His heart for ALL to hear and His heart for us as believers. He wanted them to go to the Jews first and then the Gentiles until the Gospel had reached the ends of the earth. Well, it hasn’t. There are 2500 tribes (at least) with no access to the Gospel. And yes, there is a part of it that breaks my heart and makes me want to do something about it. But it’s not just an emotion I feel; it’s a command Christ gave us. His heart is for everyone to hear and believe. So it’s for people here to hear and people over there to hear as well. But not enough people are willing to go over there. People are willing to stay here, but not go over there. When Jesus preached about becoming a DISCIPLE, he didn’t say “find what you’re good at and do that for me.” He said “Lay down your life, take up your cross, and follow me.” One of the core things pounded into your head here is that God made us so He owns us. But then He died for us so that we could be with Him, so we are doubly owned. The Bible says He is our Master, but so many times I don’t live my life as if He is. If He is my Master, then HE gets to decide EVERYTHING that I do. But He’s my friend, too. While He doesn’t want to see my hurt, He often uses my failures and the situations He allows to bring me back to complete reliance on Him. If I think I can do something, then my human tendency is to not rely on Him. That’s not what He wants. Dependence means talking to Him through situations, coming up to things where I am consistently in prayer asking for His help, telling Him that I cannot do it on my own and letting Him take over. All the sudden that verse about we should ALWAYS be in prayer makes sense. (I just realized this a few months ago.) Jesus said over and over again that following Him would be hard. He never promised my happiness, but my peace and my growth. I will be happy when I’m in heaven, but on earth He promised that we will suffer for His name. Through that suffering, we will have peace. That doesn’t mean that we will want it to be happening, but we will be able to see that God is at work and praise Him for what He is doing through the situation. So how far am I willing to go to fulfill His command? Am I willing to give up my family and my friends and the comforts of this world? Are Christ’s words important enough to me that I would be willing to do so? Yes. They are. Do I have a desire for these tribal people to know Him so that His name could be glorified. I do. Did Christ command us to go? He did. All those things together propel me into missions. It’s not a feeling I have or a desire to live with nothing, it’s a command and a realization of submission. I do want to go, not because of a desire to teach or anything like that, but because going brings glory to Him. If I went based on an emotional pull; I would fail because that pull will fade or be overpowered by other emotions. If I went based on a desire to teach; I would fail because perhaps no one would listen or I would be too anxious to teach and not willing to let God take His time with the people. But I am going based on a command, based on obedience to His word, trusting in Him alone to sustain me with the only purpose of bringing glory to His name.

Now don’t get me wrong, some people are called to stay here and build up faithful servants of Christ in the states and that is equally wonderful. Some people are physically unable to go. Laying down your will and your life looks different for everyone. But we all are called to take part in what He is doing and ask Him what HE wants for us. For me, laying down my life and taking up the cross is tribal missions. He wants those people to hear. His heart is for people here and for people there, but no one seems to be going over there and NO ONE over there knows the truth. So I will go. I have a passion to go. There is need. There is great need. Does all of that make sense? I hope so. I hope that you understand my heart a little bit better.

Sometimes I struggle with the thought of leaving everything I know behind and going overseas. It’s one of those really scary things to think about and sometimes it can be quite overwhelming. There is no way that I can do that. I can’t live overseas in a foreign culture away from my family and friends by myself. I just can’t do it. Of course I can’t. There’s no way that I would want to. And when I start to get overwhelmed with “Why do I think I can do this,” God always brings me back to Him. I can’t do it. It is only in His power that I will be sustained, no matter where I am. It is only by relying on Him that I will be able to live. There’s comfort in that.

Not much longer

I will be done with my freshman semester soon. I feel like I've learned so much. Right now we're in Proverbs and I can't tell you how good it is in a convicting kind of way. I'm definitely ready for a summer break where I will be able to be tested and grow in these areas. I can't say I'm looking forward to the testing, but the growing which comes from it. I only have two more weeks left. Crazy.