Struggling

I don't know about you, but I am far from perfect. It seems that I am reminded of that everyday by the things I dwell on, by my consistent desire to try to change myself and others, by my restlessness revealed by the few, quiet times of rest in Him. I have a problem. It's called sin. And the thing is, there's nothing I can do about it. It's a part of me, but it's not a part of Him in me. It can be easy for me to get down on myself for the mistakes that I make, to want to change myself and to want to show others what He has shown me. God has been teaching me to bite my tongue and to only speak as He leads...which is hard for me at times...most times. Only God knows His perfect timing and the vessels He wants to use. I so often just jump at wanting to tell people things because they should know (according to my thinking) instead of just asking Him about it and using my words only as He leads. He has placed me in quite a few situations at home where I feel alone and hurt and frustrated and tired. But it's not about how I feel; it's about what I know to be true. And the truths of Him and His love for me revealed in His Word overpower however I am "feeling" at the moment because feelings come and go, but His Word remains forever. I want to be able to look at certain people with the eyes of Christ, but I am not. And I never will on my own strength. That's frustrating at times, but also so relieving. It's only frustrating because it's not my first instinct. I want to trust in myself, I want to do it all on my own, I want to even wallow in hurt and frustration sometimes because I feel so alone here. But He's calling me out of it. He's calling me to trust in Him, to look at Him, to behold Him, to rest in Him. It's so against our nature, so against my nature. And I fail time and time again. And He shows me my failures time and time again, gently, lovingly. In the stillness of it all, He speaks. And for His love and pursuit of my heart I am eternally grateful.

Worship

I have really enjoyed getting to know God better the past few days, having a RELATIONSHIP with Him, talking with Him, discussing my thoughts and my feelings with Him, just being with Him. I've been going through Genesis a second time and I've really been encouraged just to see the character of God develop, to see His heart for us. Oh man, God loves us so much. He loves us more than we can ever imagine or think of. It's amazing to me.

I know that this is probably ridiculous, but I've really been missing the worship at New Tribes. The words of songs are so powerful to me and sometimes I would just stand there and think about the words instead of singing, just really letting them sink in. I've been listening to some songs on YouTube that I learned at New Tribes. I've been listening to a lot of them. I will give you the names of them at the end of this post just in case you feel like looking some up. I promise they're good! :)

I've decided that I'm a very visual person. Seeing people's faces who I know have no access to the Gospel moves my heart. It's not like it moves me to want to save them or anything cuz I have no power to do that, but I guess it just fuels my fire. God has a heart for these people living in darkness. He wants to reach them with His message. Where does He want me to fit into that picture? I won't go for their sake; I will follow Him because of HIM, for the sake of following my master. We don't often call Him that...I think because we don't really like to relinquish control. Okay, so I don't. But He is our Master. I think I need to consistently remind myself of that truth. Who rules over my life? Who should be the Master?

Sometimes when I look at life, I think of a classroom where I'm the teacher. See if this makes sense to you. As I encounter a situation and ask the class, there's the kid in the front who is jumping up and down raising his hand, distracting me, sometimes obstructing my view if I let him. That's the world and their ideas of how to handle things. Sometimes it's myself. But then there's God, diligently holding up His hand and waiting for me to pick Him, to see past the world and their views, even though they are typically much more in my face, and to listen to Him and His advice. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else, but I thought I'd share.

Mighty To Save- Hillsong
From the Inside Out- Hillsong
The Stand- Hillsong
Mission's Flame- Matt Redman
You Never Let Go- Matt Redman
In Me- Casting Crowns
God of the City- Chris Tomlin

A little of this, a little of that

I've decided that I need to learn to post pictures. And take them. I'm terrible at that but I know I'll regret it later on in life.

I spent the last four days watching three of the best children ever. We had fun doing the following:
1)Making an enormous tent that covered an entire living room and then having a movie night/sleepover in it
2)Making homeade french fries...what's better than that!?!?!
3)Baking our very own pizza that looked pretty awesome even if all the pepperoni juice slid onto my pineapple
4)Going to see UP...good movie
5)Going to a candy store...that's always fun
6)Having water games 2009...there will be a water games 2010 to follow. It was a success.

I have to say that I loved watching them and playing mom. I'm looking forward to a family of my own someday...but thankful for the present stage in my life. :)

With two summer jobs (one full-time and one part-time), I will be very busy this summer!! But I know that I am working toward a school that is teaching me more about the God that I serve, and that makes it completely worth it!!

I've been learning a lot lately. God is teaching me dependence in MANY ways this summer. Oddly enough, I think God is going to be teaching me how to not act on my emotions as well...and by that I mean He has already started. May God continue to mold me into His image; I am far from it.