Struggling

I don't know about you, but I am far from perfect. It seems that I am reminded of that everyday by the things I dwell on, by my consistent desire to try to change myself and others, by my restlessness revealed by the few, quiet times of rest in Him. I have a problem. It's called sin. And the thing is, there's nothing I can do about it. It's a part of me, but it's not a part of Him in me. It can be easy for me to get down on myself for the mistakes that I make, to want to change myself and to want to show others what He has shown me. God has been teaching me to bite my tongue and to only speak as He leads...which is hard for me at times...most times. Only God knows His perfect timing and the vessels He wants to use. I so often just jump at wanting to tell people things because they should know (according to my thinking) instead of just asking Him about it and using my words only as He leads. He has placed me in quite a few situations at home where I feel alone and hurt and frustrated and tired. But it's not about how I feel; it's about what I know to be true. And the truths of Him and His love for me revealed in His Word overpower however I am "feeling" at the moment because feelings come and go, but His Word remains forever. I want to be able to look at certain people with the eyes of Christ, but I am not. And I never will on my own strength. That's frustrating at times, but also so relieving. It's only frustrating because it's not my first instinct. I want to trust in myself, I want to do it all on my own, I want to even wallow in hurt and frustration sometimes because I feel so alone here. But He's calling me out of it. He's calling me to trust in Him, to look at Him, to behold Him, to rest in Him. It's so against our nature, so against my nature. And I fail time and time again. And He shows me my failures time and time again, gently, lovingly. In the stillness of it all, He speaks. And for His love and pursuit of my heart I am eternally grateful.

Worship

I have really enjoyed getting to know God better the past few days, having a RELATIONSHIP with Him, talking with Him, discussing my thoughts and my feelings with Him, just being with Him. I've been going through Genesis a second time and I've really been encouraged just to see the character of God develop, to see His heart for us. Oh man, God loves us so much. He loves us more than we can ever imagine or think of. It's amazing to me.

I know that this is probably ridiculous, but I've really been missing the worship at New Tribes. The words of songs are so powerful to me and sometimes I would just stand there and think about the words instead of singing, just really letting them sink in. I've been listening to some songs on YouTube that I learned at New Tribes. I've been listening to a lot of them. I will give you the names of them at the end of this post just in case you feel like looking some up. I promise they're good! :)

I've decided that I'm a very visual person. Seeing people's faces who I know have no access to the Gospel moves my heart. It's not like it moves me to want to save them or anything cuz I have no power to do that, but I guess it just fuels my fire. God has a heart for these people living in darkness. He wants to reach them with His message. Where does He want me to fit into that picture? I won't go for their sake; I will follow Him because of HIM, for the sake of following my master. We don't often call Him that...I think because we don't really like to relinquish control. Okay, so I don't. But He is our Master. I think I need to consistently remind myself of that truth. Who rules over my life? Who should be the Master?

Sometimes when I look at life, I think of a classroom where I'm the teacher. See if this makes sense to you. As I encounter a situation and ask the class, there's the kid in the front who is jumping up and down raising his hand, distracting me, sometimes obstructing my view if I let him. That's the world and their ideas of how to handle things. Sometimes it's myself. But then there's God, diligently holding up His hand and waiting for me to pick Him, to see past the world and their views, even though they are typically much more in my face, and to listen to Him and His advice. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else, but I thought I'd share.

Mighty To Save- Hillsong
From the Inside Out- Hillsong
The Stand- Hillsong
Mission's Flame- Matt Redman
You Never Let Go- Matt Redman
In Me- Casting Crowns
God of the City- Chris Tomlin

A little of this, a little of that

I've decided that I need to learn to post pictures. And take them. I'm terrible at that but I know I'll regret it later on in life.

I spent the last four days watching three of the best children ever. We had fun doing the following:
1)Making an enormous tent that covered an entire living room and then having a movie night/sleepover in it
2)Making homeade french fries...what's better than that!?!?!
3)Baking our very own pizza that looked pretty awesome even if all the pepperoni juice slid onto my pineapple
4)Going to see UP...good movie
5)Going to a candy store...that's always fun
6)Having water games 2009...there will be a water games 2010 to follow. It was a success.

I have to say that I loved watching them and playing mom. I'm looking forward to a family of my own someday...but thankful for the present stage in my life. :)

With two summer jobs (one full-time and one part-time), I will be very busy this summer!! But I know that I am working toward a school that is teaching me more about the God that I serve, and that makes it completely worth it!!

I've been learning a lot lately. God is teaching me dependence in MANY ways this summer. Oddly enough, I think God is going to be teaching me how to not act on my emotions as well...and by that I mean He has already started. May God continue to mold me into His image; I am far from it.

Humbled

It seems like the only thing that has happened since I arrived home is that God keeps humbling me. There's a part of me that wants to say, "Could you stop?! I know I'm crappy. I know I am a failure. I know I need you!" But then there's a bigger part of me that's so thankful for it. It's good to be constantly reminded of how much I need Him. It's good so that my pride doesn't get in the way. It's good so that I keep my focus. It hurts to consistently fall flat on my face, but I'm thankful for it.

It's funny because I used to think I was pretty good. I was a pretty good Christian who had the right heart and did pretty good things. WHOA. Hold up. WHAT?! My view on things was totally whacked up. I've been a pretty selfish Christian for a long time trying to do things in my own strength while thinking about God and what I should be doing for Him. I know I've talked about this a lot, but I think it's good for me to remind myself. That's still in me. It didn't leave. My view on things has changed and God is definitely working in my life, but underneath it all I still have those tendencies. And I need to bring myself back to that and continue to pray that my strength will be rooted in Him and not myself.

I've been incredibly blessed. And I mean incredibly. I'm excited to see what God continues to do this summer. I am hopefully going to be able to meet with a couple of girls so we can share what God is doing in our lives and encourage each other. At this point I have two jobs...God is GOOD and full of grace because I don't deserve any of this. I'm learning to love Him more and more. :)

Random Tidbits

I went and shadowed one of the workers for my other new part-time job. I have to say, I am kind of excited. And overwhelmed. I will be working with a 13 year old autistic girl this summer. Her family is great and she seems to be a very content kid. She is super active...into everything imaginable. I definitely will be getting my exercise! And learning. This is out of the ordinary for me and I'm not always going to know what to do. There's a part of me that's completely freaked out about that...I am good with plans and knowing exactly what I need to do...normally I won't do it unless I know that I won't fail. So that part scares me a bit. But I know that it will be so good. I know that God is going to use this to stretch me and to grow me. What an amazing God we serve that He would lay such opportunities at my feet.

Two challenging jobs for three months. :)

I finished unpacking earlier this week and have been organizing all of my notes and school materials. I even started an outline! This, I have realized, will take me all summer. My goal is to have a detailed outline up to where we are right now. I suppose at the end of every semester (unless I am able to do it during school) I will be able to update it and by the end of my two years, I will have a detailed outline of all Biblical events. That is the goal. We'll see how it goes. :)

Have you ever really sat and thought about how much we really have in Christ? I think it would be a good ritual every morning...to remind ourselves of what we have in Him and remind ourselves of His goodness. I realize that perhaps that is a tad impractical to think every morning it would be a possibility, but I still think it would be awesome. Let me dream. :) I'm just saying that if we started things out reminding ourselves of who we are in Him and what we have in Him, I have a feeling it would change our outlook on the day...and perhaps influence our decisions during the day. It's normally at the end of my day when I do most of my thinking...and when I seem to acknowledge God the most. It's not that I don't pray to Him during the day or think about Him, it's just that I seem to be more keenly aware of Him at the end of my day...as I look back and see all the times I should have gone to Him in dependence and then...oh wait, I just didn't even think about it. Ever have those days? I can't wait for the day when Christ brings me to completion. :)

Welcome to Reality

I guess I had forgotten what sort of "bubble" I have lived in for so long. And by that I really only mean since at NTBI (New Tribes Bible Institute for those of you who don't know). But at work today, I was shocked to hear some of the things that were coming out of people's mouths. I know that I shouldn't be and that this is good "practice" for the kinds of environments that I will be in, but it was such a culture shock. I sat there for four hours while these kids did nothing but bad-mouth others and make inappropriate sexual comments. And I sat there wondering what my place was in this situation. And honestly, that was pretty much all I did. I sat....the sad thing is that I didn't pray. I have no idea why I didn't...I sit there and think about God but don't actually talk to Him. Sometimes I don't make any sense. But hey, realizing your failures is growth, right?

I'd really appreciate prayer this summer. Please pray for wisdom on how to correctly handle situations and just that God would be glorified in my behavior. Thank you!

Musings

I've been thinking about how much I've learned in the past five months. It's been a lot. Things have been crazy and hard and busy and sometimes I didn't know what to do. But here are a few thoughts.

Words are so powerful. Just look at Proverbs. My goodness. Yet so many times I don't have a tight reign on my tongue. Instead of choosing my words carefully, I let my emotions choose them. This one is dangerous. I was talking to a friend the other day about venting. I've realized that most of the time, it's just an excuse to complain and let someone know how terrible this thing was. First of all, I tend to vent to others before talking to God. Um, bad choice. Second, it really is just complaining, wanting someone to feel bad for you. Talking calmly about problems is different from venting, keep in mind. And this is something God is working on me to correct.

I've also learned a lot about dependence. It's one of those freakishly clique moment by moment things. You hear it and you agree, but it's something totally different to GET it. I'm just now starting to GET it. God wants my whole heart. All of it. He wants me to come to Him. But so many times I don't. So many time I just don't even think about it. How terrible is that? It's my prayer that I would see Him more and more, not just in the big things, but in little, everyday life. I want Him to be so present that I see Him in everything. It's definitely going to be an ongoing prayer.

I've learned not to expect perfection. I am such a perfectionist. But I'm seeing more and more every day how much I fail. I'm far from perfect and that's the way it's supposed to be. That's why we need Jesus. And can I just say that reading your Bible and praying for yourself and for others is not enough! For so long I was so frustrated wondering why something was missing in my walk with God. I loved Him; I wanted to follow Him; I read His Word; I prayed. What was wrong? What was missing?? Dependence. Leaning on Him and talking to Him about it, acknowledging it throughout the day. I was still trusting in me to do things for God. WHOA. Bad idea. That's not what He wants at all! That's been the greatest thing for me to learn. It's not about me and what I do for God, it's about HIM and how He works, whether He chooses to use me or not. It's one thing to say that, but a completely other story to live that out. But I'm learning.

I'm learning, and I'll never be done. Praise God!