Musings

I've been thinking about how much I've learned in the past five months. It's been a lot. Things have been crazy and hard and busy and sometimes I didn't know what to do. But here are a few thoughts.

Words are so powerful. Just look at Proverbs. My goodness. Yet so many times I don't have a tight reign on my tongue. Instead of choosing my words carefully, I let my emotions choose them. This one is dangerous. I was talking to a friend the other day about venting. I've realized that most of the time, it's just an excuse to complain and let someone know how terrible this thing was. First of all, I tend to vent to others before talking to God. Um, bad choice. Second, it really is just complaining, wanting someone to feel bad for you. Talking calmly about problems is different from venting, keep in mind. And this is something God is working on me to correct.

I've also learned a lot about dependence. It's one of those freakishly clique moment by moment things. You hear it and you agree, but it's something totally different to GET it. I'm just now starting to GET it. God wants my whole heart. All of it. He wants me to come to Him. But so many times I don't. So many time I just don't even think about it. How terrible is that? It's my prayer that I would see Him more and more, not just in the big things, but in little, everyday life. I want Him to be so present that I see Him in everything. It's definitely going to be an ongoing prayer.

I've learned not to expect perfection. I am such a perfectionist. But I'm seeing more and more every day how much I fail. I'm far from perfect and that's the way it's supposed to be. That's why we need Jesus. And can I just say that reading your Bible and praying for yourself and for others is not enough! For so long I was so frustrated wondering why something was missing in my walk with God. I loved Him; I wanted to follow Him; I read His Word; I prayed. What was wrong? What was missing?? Dependence. Leaning on Him and talking to Him about it, acknowledging it throughout the day. I was still trusting in me to do things for God. WHOA. Bad idea. That's not what He wants at all! That's been the greatest thing for me to learn. It's not about me and what I do for God, it's about HIM and how He works, whether He chooses to use me or not. It's one thing to say that, but a completely other story to live that out. But I'm learning.

I'm learning, and I'll never be done. Praise God!