School

School has officially started!! For those of you who don't know, these are the classes I will be taking this semester:

-Acts and the Roman World*
-The Love of God*
-Job*
-Prophets^
-Hermeneutics II
-Life of Christ
-Acts
-1 Corinthians
-Ruth, Ecclesiastes, Song of Solomon*
-Islam*
-Bible Basis of Missions
-Theology^
-Anthropology/Harmartiology
-Christology

^=Class I am currently in *=Elective

I have already been learning and thinking through a lot of different things. It's so neat to see God work. I went and talked with one of my deans today and we talked through a lot of things that made me realize that I do everything in my power to fix my problems or prevent them before they happen because I am afraid to fail...which is a pride issue. I know in my head that I can't change myself, that I can't fix myself, that my failures do not cause God to love me any less and my triumphs don't cause Him to love me any more...but my heart hasn't learned this yet. I still try. I still want to fix me...I still think at some point I will be perfect...like I'm climbing a ladder instead of simply walking. I can't make myself any better. I can only look at Him, depend on Him, let HIM change me. It's funny how hard we try. It's funny how our flesh can convince us of so many lies. But God is faithful to grow us and to reveal truth to us on HIS timing. As much as I want to absorb everything possible, I need to be content learning at His pace and knowing that He is graciously showing me what I can handle at the time. It's a lesson I feel I will probably be learning for the rest of my life. But I'm ready to learn. :)

Struggling

I don't know about you, but I am far from perfect. It seems that I am reminded of that everyday by the things I dwell on, by my consistent desire to try to change myself and others, by my restlessness revealed by the few, quiet times of rest in Him. I have a problem. It's called sin. And the thing is, there's nothing I can do about it. It's a part of me, but it's not a part of Him in me. It can be easy for me to get down on myself for the mistakes that I make, to want to change myself and to want to show others what He has shown me. God has been teaching me to bite my tongue and to only speak as He leads...which is hard for me at times...most times. Only God knows His perfect timing and the vessels He wants to use. I so often just jump at wanting to tell people things because they should know (according to my thinking) instead of just asking Him about it and using my words only as He leads. He has placed me in quite a few situations at home where I feel alone and hurt and frustrated and tired. But it's not about how I feel; it's about what I know to be true. And the truths of Him and His love for me revealed in His Word overpower however I am "feeling" at the moment because feelings come and go, but His Word remains forever. I want to be able to look at certain people with the eyes of Christ, but I am not. And I never will on my own strength. That's frustrating at times, but also so relieving. It's only frustrating because it's not my first instinct. I want to trust in myself, I want to do it all on my own, I want to even wallow in hurt and frustration sometimes because I feel so alone here. But He's calling me out of it. He's calling me to trust in Him, to look at Him, to behold Him, to rest in Him. It's so against our nature, so against my nature. And I fail time and time again. And He shows me my failures time and time again, gently, lovingly. In the stillness of it all, He speaks. And for His love and pursuit of my heart I am eternally grateful.