Learning

There once was a spunky little girl who grew up without a care in the world. And then one day, she learned of God's call to take the Gospel to those who had never heard. At first, she rejected that thought. Why would she want to sacrifice all of that to live in a place of no glory and serve amongst smelly people who probably wouldn't listen anyways? What would ever possess her to do such a thing? You see...at the time, she cared much more about herself then listening to God. And He allowed that for a time. He didn't force her, but continued to show her through His word the importance of ALL people knowing His glory, His salvation, His story. And so, at the age of 13, she began to look for a mission trip to go on. And she went.....to Quito, Ecuador with a group of about 200 other students. She saw sights she never thought she would see, such poverty, such need. She smelled things she never wished to smell again...but smells that were all too common in this world. Her world was rocked. The name of the trip was "Never the Same" and it held true; she came back different. She came back passionate. At this time, her passion was for the people and their physical needs. Oh how blessed she was. Oh how unfortunate the people she saw were. She wanted to help. She wanted to be His hands and feet. But alas, she was 13 and had to return home to her nice suburban house and go to high school. But there was always next year.

That little girl lived for the summers. It was then that she truly felt alive. Ecuador. Bolivia. Brasil. She waited to be overseas, to get to see and experience different cultures and helping those less fortunate. She was almost blinded to those around her when she was at home and at school; her focus was completely on those overseas. She couldn't wait to leave everyone behind and move over there. She was going to change the world. Graduation was so close she could feel it. But her plans changed. She ended up going to a four-year college, not jumping into a Bible program to get trained to go overseas. After a year of college, she quit, knowing that she needed to pay off her debt so she could go into training. And then she got sidetracked. She became caught up in romance and things of this world. She was scared to go overseas, even more scared to go alone. Part of her just wanted to run away and forget people overseas. She just wanted to live her life with her family and her friends and get married and stay here. But then her romance ended. Tragically, in fact, and she hit rock bottom. She struggled for a long time trying to find out who she was and where her worth was found. She realized she had been focused on the wrong things for a long time and had lost her identity. Basing her worth on other's opinions and the way others treated her had landed her distraught. You see, this girl didn't understand what it meant to be a Christian. She didn't understand all that Christ had done for her. And I don't mean she didn't fully grasp it; she didn't grasp it at all! She didn't get her new identity in Christ and what that meant. She didn't understand the truths of Ephesians 1-3 and all the things that God had blessed her with simply because HE chose to do so. But she did understand that her walk with God was missing something. So she signed up to start the first part of training with New Tribes Mission; their Bible Institute in Jackson, MI. She figured she wasn't giving up enough for God and she knew that God wanted all to be saved and was running from it, so maybe she'd make God happy by actually becoming a missionary. That and she really did want to help people. But mostly this was a desperate attempt to find some sort of meaning in the Christian life. She was at rock bottom.

Arriving at Bible school in January of 2009 and beginning classes that started in Genesis, she felt a bit elementary. Why were these teachers trying to talk down to her? She didn't need help learning Old Testament Bible stories! She knew them! She just wanted to learn the answers to all the big questions, all the hot topics. She wanted to have an answer. She wanted to learn what she was missing...because she knew she was missing something. Over the past year, she has been learning the Bible. She has been learning God's story in a way she never knew before. She has seen the importance of understanding the Bible from the beginning to end, as a unit, as all part of God's progressive revelation. She has been learning about the Spirit and how to walk in the Spirit. She has been learning about who Christ made her once she first believed. She has been learning she will never quit learning. There are so many things, so many truths that have been brought to life for her. God has changed her mind on so many issues...even missions. She is passionate about missions, not because she wants to help people, not because it will make her more acceptable to God (she is already as accepted as she can get because she is in CHRIST!), but because God wants that none should perish. Because God commanded us to GO. Because they cannot truly live without the truth of His Word. Because they NEED to hear His truth. Because they cannot believe if they do not hear. Because the Christian life isn't about what's easiest, but about HIM.

Looking back, she is grateful for the hard times that have brought her closer to Him. She is grateful for the pit of despair, because it was only when she was at the end of herself, when she had tried everything she possibly knew how to do and seen it fail, that she could try rest in His finished work on the cross....or begin to learn how to. Life is not perfect. Her walk with God is not perfect. But she has a faith unlike one she has had before because it is built upon a foundation of TRUTH found ONLY in HIS word. She is learning that a life of sacrifice isn't to be feared because as she learns to allow the Word to renew her mind (through studying it) and to set her mind on things eternal, on things above, the circumstances and things on the earth are only opportunities to allow Christ's life to live through her and glory to be brought to HIS name. She is learning....

Humbled

It seems like the only thing that has happened since I arrived home is that God keeps humbling me. There's a part of me that wants to say, "Could you stop?! I know I'm crappy. I know I am a failure. I know I need you!" But then there's a bigger part of me that's so thankful for it. It's good to be constantly reminded of how much I need Him. It's good so that my pride doesn't get in the way. It's good so that I keep my focus. It hurts to consistently fall flat on my face, but I'm thankful for it.

It's funny because I used to think I was pretty good. I was a pretty good Christian who had the right heart and did pretty good things. WHOA. Hold up. WHAT?! My view on things was totally whacked up. I've been a pretty selfish Christian for a long time trying to do things in my own strength while thinking about God and what I should be doing for Him. I know I've talked about this a lot, but I think it's good for me to remind myself. That's still in me. It didn't leave. My view on things has changed and God is definitely working in my life, but underneath it all I still have those tendencies. And I need to bring myself back to that and continue to pray that my strength will be rooted in Him and not myself.

I've been incredibly blessed. And I mean incredibly. I'm excited to see what God continues to do this summer. I am hopefully going to be able to meet with a couple of girls so we can share what God is doing in our lives and encourage each other. At this point I have two jobs...God is GOOD and full of grace because I don't deserve any of this. I'm learning to love Him more and more. :)

Musings

I've been thinking about how much I've learned in the past five months. It's been a lot. Things have been crazy and hard and busy and sometimes I didn't know what to do. But here are a few thoughts.

Words are so powerful. Just look at Proverbs. My goodness. Yet so many times I don't have a tight reign on my tongue. Instead of choosing my words carefully, I let my emotions choose them. This one is dangerous. I was talking to a friend the other day about venting. I've realized that most of the time, it's just an excuse to complain and let someone know how terrible this thing was. First of all, I tend to vent to others before talking to God. Um, bad choice. Second, it really is just complaining, wanting someone to feel bad for you. Talking calmly about problems is different from venting, keep in mind. And this is something God is working on me to correct.

I've also learned a lot about dependence. It's one of those freakishly clique moment by moment things. You hear it and you agree, but it's something totally different to GET it. I'm just now starting to GET it. God wants my whole heart. All of it. He wants me to come to Him. But so many times I don't. So many time I just don't even think about it. How terrible is that? It's my prayer that I would see Him more and more, not just in the big things, but in little, everyday life. I want Him to be so present that I see Him in everything. It's definitely going to be an ongoing prayer.

I've learned not to expect perfection. I am such a perfectionist. But I'm seeing more and more every day how much I fail. I'm far from perfect and that's the way it's supposed to be. That's why we need Jesus. And can I just say that reading your Bible and praying for yourself and for others is not enough! For so long I was so frustrated wondering why something was missing in my walk with God. I loved Him; I wanted to follow Him; I read His Word; I prayed. What was wrong? What was missing?? Dependence. Leaning on Him and talking to Him about it, acknowledging it throughout the day. I was still trusting in me to do things for God. WHOA. Bad idea. That's not what He wants at all! That's been the greatest thing for me to learn. It's not about me and what I do for God, it's about HIM and how He works, whether He chooses to use me or not. It's one thing to say that, but a completely other story to live that out. But I'm learning.

I'm learning, and I'll never be done. Praise God!