Back at School

The summer is finally over. I am actually partly glad, although I have had an awesome summer at home. Here are the highlights:

-I was blessed with two jobs: One full-time+ job at the pool working in the office and one part-time job working with a 13-year old autistic girl...so awesome! I worked a lot, so if I didn't get to see you, then I'm sorry!!

-I have been able to make a lot of good friends this summer while at work. I was also able to reconnect with some old friends, which has been incredibly amazing.

-Thankfully, I was actually able to be a part of VBS this year, even though I was only there for two days. It definitely encouraged my heart in big ways!

-My church has been amazing. Their support and their prayers have been so awesome and I am just incredibly blessed.


-Someone from New Tribes moved to Hilliard!! That has been awesome! It's always good to have a support system with people who are headed in the same direction that you are. :)


But now I am back at school and it has already been great!! I feel like I was just gone for a short weekend! I had a smooth ride (not literal, you know, if you have ever driven in Michigan) and had a move-in crew move all of my stuff into my room in two short trips! I am unpacking and organizing it all tomorrow...along with a million other things that I have to do...but I am so excited to be here! At some point...probably Friday by the looks of things, I will begin my job hunting and filling out loads of applications. :) I'm looking forward to this new semester and all that it brings. Well, that's all for now. I'll update you more soon....
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Summer Contemplation

If you know practically anything about me, then you know I do a lot of thinking. Most of the time it's a lot of reflecting or mulling over an issue that I've been mulling over for weeks/months. Regardless of how concrete my thoughts are, I will indefinitely present them like I'm dead set in my beliefs. I haven't quite figured out why...maybe because I feel like I need someone to combat me and have a deep discussion with me, to say, "hey, you aren't seeing this" or "But you're completely leaving out the fact that..." Half the time I don't actually think I'm right for sure, I just have to come at a situation with a point of view first and then let the facts I didn't see before sculpt it. I don't know if that makes sense, but it's something I've noticed.

I've been thinking...no, reflecting a lot about who I am and where I have come from. Maybe because this summer has forced me to face some "ghosts" from my past. Maybe because I've learned more about myself in this past year than ever before. Maybe because it's just God's way of getting my attention and saying "Look at me and let me take care of the rest." Whatever the reason, I'm so thankful. Here's what I've learned:

1. I think I can fix things when I can't. That's why I manage decent grades...I'm comfortable with answers. If there's one right answer, you can always find it if you study hard enough. Life isn't like that. There's not always one answer and that used to frustrate me. What am I saying...it still does sometimes. But that's the great thing about not being in this life alone...the One who has ALL the answers is by my side to make them for me. Now if only I chose to go to Him more often to let Him decide.

2. A year ago my whole world as I knew it came crashing down. I picked up the pieces and went straight to God. I didn't understand at the time that He didn't want me to come to me AFTER picking up the pieces, but HE wanted to pick up the pieces. He didn't want me to be strong enough that I could pull myself together, but He wanted me to just look at Him.

3. I don't know much. I know that I will continue to learn for the rest of my life. Everytime it seems I forget that, there's some reminder....more often than not it's a not so gentle reminder of how human I am. I wouldn't want it any other way.

4. I feel like a completely different person than I was a year ago. I've learned a lot. I've learned that I can't change anyone, not even myself. I've learned that I want to be head over heels in love with someone. I've learned that the hardest person to please has always been myself and I need to cut myself and others a break. I've learned that being me makes me smile and laugh a lot. I've learned that I can't do a single thing for God. I've learned that throwing up my hands in defeat is not shameful. I've learned that I don't do that as often as I should, but I'm learning.

I'm learning. I keep saying that, but it's so true.

Praying

So I have always struggled with prayer. I don't know why, but it seems like it's just one of those things that trips me up. I think about God a lot, but praying only lasts a few minutes and then I get distracted and don't even realize that I'm onto something else and haven't finished speaking to my Savior. I'm embarrassed to admit all of that, but that's the truth. And I've tried all sorts of different things to help: praying aloud, praying ACTS, praying while I drive and the radio is off...but I still struggle. So I've been looking at praying in the Bible and well, I'm still in the Old Testament, but I've been seeing some really cool patterns. For instance, Abraham and Jacob (or is it Isaac...I think it's Jacob) both pray with little "reminders" of what God has already said. So I thought that was an awesome way to pray, something that would get me more actively involved and keep my eyes on Him more, so I started looking up verses for different situations that I pray about. I began in Romans and oh my goodness...spent so long in that book just getting so excited over what it had to say! I wrote down so many encouraging verses to pray through and for my friends. God's word is just full of so many important things and I just love being able to read through it! I feel so blessed to be studying it for the next year and a half. There's nothing better. :)

Fourth of July and Circumstances

Today is the Fourth of July. If you know me very well at all, you know I am not extremely patriotic. I think that's the perfectionist in me that sees all of our faults and isn't satisfied. But the older I get, the more I am becoming okay with all of these flaws, knowing that nothing is ever perfect here on earth, but we have hope of the perfection that will come someday. :) America isn't perfect. But here I have many freedoms that other people can only dream of. Here the only fear of sharing my faith stems from being made fun of, but not of losing my life. I am blessed to have grown up here and am thankful for those freedoms that I enjoy.

In other news, Red, White, and Boom was last night. For those of you who do not live in Ohio, it's this HUGE fireworks presentation in downtown Columbus where there's fair food and carnival games and just a lot of fun all day long and then this 30 minute firework show coordinated with music. And in all of my years living here I have never been. So, I went, and let me tell you, I had a fabulous time. The fireworks were like, right over our heads it seemed...we were so close! And we were right next to one of the radio stations so we had good music and a good view the entire time! And I spent it with such good friends! It was amazing.

This summer is not turning out anything like I anticipated. Some things have been harder than I thought, but a lot of it has just been so different than what I expected. I've gotten to know some really awesome people, mended some friendships, worked a LOT, and just learned a lot. I've been working on this timeline of the Bible and I feel like I only get to a few chapters at a time because I feel like there's so much detail that I can't just write "Noah's Ark," but I have to describe the entire event and what the sign was and what the covenant was and how long they were in the ark and all about the altar Noah set up after the ark....and basically I'm just recreating my notes from school only I'm writing them. Sometimes I wish that I could be a bit less particular...especially when it is taking me so long that I get frustrated with my minimal progress and then it discourages me. But I guess I'm learning perseverance. My goal was to get all the way to where I'll be starting up again in the fall (I believe that means all the way through the Old Testament), but I'm slowly beginning to see that was a lofty goal and I shouldn't expect so much of myself. Perhaps I'll just get through Exodus. Seriously...I think that might be as far as I can get.

I've also been seeing and learning that it doesn't matter where you are...if you're in a place where all you hear is "God this" and "God that" or if you're in a place where no one mentions God...it doesn't matter...it's all up to YOU. I mean, I know that...and I've known that, but I think it's been good for me to see that my relationship with God didn't magically get "better" because I went away to Bible school and I have a better understanding of Him. It doesn't get "easier" because you're surrounded by talk of Him; it really is a daily choice, moment-by-moment, step-by-step. And it's not that I didn't realize this until now, but I see it a lot clearer and it's just really encouraging to me. A relationship with God isn't about following prescribed steps. Experiencing the truth of that statement has been so awesome...even when I fail. I don't fail because I'm not surrounded by God or because there's no one to bring up how I'm doing in my walk; I fail because my eyes aren't focused on Him. Period. That's it. It doesn't matter where I am or what I'm doing, my eyes have to be set on His and if they aren't, I will fail because I will act on my own strength instead of trusting in His. I'm not sure if this makes sense to anyone else, but I've really enjoyed learning this. :)

Struggling

I don't know about you, but I am far from perfect. It seems that I am reminded of that everyday by the things I dwell on, by my consistent desire to try to change myself and others, by my restlessness revealed by the few, quiet times of rest in Him. I have a problem. It's called sin. And the thing is, there's nothing I can do about it. It's a part of me, but it's not a part of Him in me. It can be easy for me to get down on myself for the mistakes that I make, to want to change myself and to want to show others what He has shown me. God has been teaching me to bite my tongue and to only speak as He leads...which is hard for me at times...most times. Only God knows His perfect timing and the vessels He wants to use. I so often just jump at wanting to tell people things because they should know (according to my thinking) instead of just asking Him about it and using my words only as He leads. He has placed me in quite a few situations at home where I feel alone and hurt and frustrated and tired. But it's not about how I feel; it's about what I know to be true. And the truths of Him and His love for me revealed in His Word overpower however I am "feeling" at the moment because feelings come and go, but His Word remains forever. I want to be able to look at certain people with the eyes of Christ, but I am not. And I never will on my own strength. That's frustrating at times, but also so relieving. It's only frustrating because it's not my first instinct. I want to trust in myself, I want to do it all on my own, I want to even wallow in hurt and frustration sometimes because I feel so alone here. But He's calling me out of it. He's calling me to trust in Him, to look at Him, to behold Him, to rest in Him. It's so against our nature, so against my nature. And I fail time and time again. And He shows me my failures time and time again, gently, lovingly. In the stillness of it all, He speaks. And for His love and pursuit of my heart I am eternally grateful.

Worship

I have really enjoyed getting to know God better the past few days, having a RELATIONSHIP with Him, talking with Him, discussing my thoughts and my feelings with Him, just being with Him. I've been going through Genesis a second time and I've really been encouraged just to see the character of God develop, to see His heart for us. Oh man, God loves us so much. He loves us more than we can ever imagine or think of. It's amazing to me.

I know that this is probably ridiculous, but I've really been missing the worship at New Tribes. The words of songs are so powerful to me and sometimes I would just stand there and think about the words instead of singing, just really letting them sink in. I've been listening to some songs on YouTube that I learned at New Tribes. I've been listening to a lot of them. I will give you the names of them at the end of this post just in case you feel like looking some up. I promise they're good! :)

I've decided that I'm a very visual person. Seeing people's faces who I know have no access to the Gospel moves my heart. It's not like it moves me to want to save them or anything cuz I have no power to do that, but I guess it just fuels my fire. God has a heart for these people living in darkness. He wants to reach them with His message. Where does He want me to fit into that picture? I won't go for their sake; I will follow Him because of HIM, for the sake of following my master. We don't often call Him that...I think because we don't really like to relinquish control. Okay, so I don't. But He is our Master. I think I need to consistently remind myself of that truth. Who rules over my life? Who should be the Master?

Sometimes when I look at life, I think of a classroom where I'm the teacher. See if this makes sense to you. As I encounter a situation and ask the class, there's the kid in the front who is jumping up and down raising his hand, distracting me, sometimes obstructing my view if I let him. That's the world and their ideas of how to handle things. Sometimes it's myself. But then there's God, diligently holding up His hand and waiting for me to pick Him, to see past the world and their views, even though they are typically much more in my face, and to listen to Him and His advice. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else, but I thought I'd share.

Mighty To Save- Hillsong
From the Inside Out- Hillsong
The Stand- Hillsong
Mission's Flame- Matt Redman
You Never Let Go- Matt Redman
In Me- Casting Crowns
God of the City- Chris Tomlin

A little of this, a little of that

I've decided that I need to learn to post pictures. And take them. I'm terrible at that but I know I'll regret it later on in life.

I spent the last four days watching three of the best children ever. We had fun doing the following:
1)Making an enormous tent that covered an entire living room and then having a movie night/sleepover in it
2)Making homeade french fries...what's better than that!?!?!
3)Baking our very own pizza that looked pretty awesome even if all the pepperoni juice slid onto my pineapple
4)Going to see UP...good movie
5)Going to a candy store...that's always fun
6)Having water games 2009...there will be a water games 2010 to follow. It was a success.

I have to say that I loved watching them and playing mom. I'm looking forward to a family of my own someday...but thankful for the present stage in my life. :)

With two summer jobs (one full-time and one part-time), I will be very busy this summer!! But I know that I am working toward a school that is teaching me more about the God that I serve, and that makes it completely worth it!!

I've been learning a lot lately. God is teaching me dependence in MANY ways this summer. Oddly enough, I think God is going to be teaching me how to not act on my emotions as well...and by that I mean He has already started. May God continue to mold me into His image; I am far from it.