Summer Contemplation

If you know practically anything about me, then you know I do a lot of thinking. Most of the time it's a lot of reflecting or mulling over an issue that I've been mulling over for weeks/months. Regardless of how concrete my thoughts are, I will indefinitely present them like I'm dead set in my beliefs. I haven't quite figured out why...maybe because I feel like I need someone to combat me and have a deep discussion with me, to say, "hey, you aren't seeing this" or "But you're completely leaving out the fact that..." Half the time I don't actually think I'm right for sure, I just have to come at a situation with a point of view first and then let the facts I didn't see before sculpt it. I don't know if that makes sense, but it's something I've noticed.

I've been thinking...no, reflecting a lot about who I am and where I have come from. Maybe because this summer has forced me to face some "ghosts" from my past. Maybe because I've learned more about myself in this past year than ever before. Maybe because it's just God's way of getting my attention and saying "Look at me and let me take care of the rest." Whatever the reason, I'm so thankful. Here's what I've learned:

1. I think I can fix things when I can't. That's why I manage decent grades...I'm comfortable with answers. If there's one right answer, you can always find it if you study hard enough. Life isn't like that. There's not always one answer and that used to frustrate me. What am I saying...it still does sometimes. But that's the great thing about not being in this life alone...the One who has ALL the answers is by my side to make them for me. Now if only I chose to go to Him more often to let Him decide.

2. A year ago my whole world as I knew it came crashing down. I picked up the pieces and went straight to God. I didn't understand at the time that He didn't want me to come to me AFTER picking up the pieces, but HE wanted to pick up the pieces. He didn't want me to be strong enough that I could pull myself together, but He wanted me to just look at Him.

3. I don't know much. I know that I will continue to learn for the rest of my life. Everytime it seems I forget that, there's some reminder....more often than not it's a not so gentle reminder of how human I am. I wouldn't want it any other way.

4. I feel like a completely different person than I was a year ago. I've learned a lot. I've learned that I can't change anyone, not even myself. I've learned that I want to be head over heels in love with someone. I've learned that the hardest person to please has always been myself and I need to cut myself and others a break. I've learned that being me makes me smile and laugh a lot. I've learned that I can't do a single thing for God. I've learned that throwing up my hands in defeat is not shameful. I've learned that I don't do that as often as I should, but I'm learning.

I'm learning. I keep saying that, but it's so true.