Day of Prayer

I should be doing homework right now. I have a busy day ahead of me and lots of homework to be getting done, but I wanted to write. Today was Day of Prayer at school. I have always loved Day of Prayer, because it's really easy to just get so caught up in homework and learning and miss God. I know that sounds silly because I am attending a Bible school where EVERYTHING is about God, but it's so easy to just learn head knowledge and not use the time as time to get to know the one true God. I'm a bit ashamed saying that, but it's the truth. Sometimes I just look at my list of homework and things to do and think, "Oh my goodness, I have no idea how I am going to get all of this done!" (And you're thinking, GET OFF THE COMPUTER THEN! But seriously...if I didn't have times of reflection and honest times of sharing what God is laying on my heart, the work I do here would be pointless.) What ends up happening sometimes is that I just get busy and rush through reading and don't take the time to grasp the truth. Even in classes, it's the same thing. You have to engage and not only engage, but you have to walk in faith. I cannot explain to you how everything I am learning has seemed to come together today and hit me right between the eyes, because that would just be too much information and would probably come out a jumbled mess, but I know this: I'm sick and tired of myself. I'm fed up with me...I despise me...I'm done. I've been sitting in Romans and getting so excited, learning and hearing and seeing things I've never seen before. I've been learning new truths and completely believing them, but letting it end there. And today it hit me: I'm learning about my utter depravity and believing it, knowing that it's true, but my response hasn't been to look at Him. My response hasn't been dependence upon Him. And I know that's WHY He reveals to us our depravity...so that we understand that our only option is to turn to Him. But I've been running away from that. I know the truth but honestly, in my heart I've been rejecting it. I sat here in my room this morning and just cried. I didn't even get that I had been rejecting it. I knew that it was truth and I knew that God would use time to appropriate it in my life, but I was content to just sit back and not take Him at His word. It's like I reverted back to the whole "magical" mindset...you know, someday it will just click and I'll get it and do it all the time. How wicked is my heart?! How incredibly deceitful. I'm sick of it. I want to take God at His word. I don't want to just hear truth and to know truth and believe it, I want to walk in it. WALK. And I know that this is a moment-by-moment thing and that I will choose to walk in it some times and not in others, but I'm done making excuses for myself and being content to just learn and believe. I want to take Him at His word, because that is the ONLY truth and the only TRUE way to live.